The Super Bowl is upon us, which means you should be preparing for your annual Big Game bash. You have a reputation to uphold so you had better be prepared. Just keep in mind that local health officials are probably telling people not to have a Super Bowl party this year because of the pandemic. So what's a responsible host to do? Have a party for one.
How do you plan a one-person Super Bowl party? Well, you do all the things you would do for a regular Super Bowl party, but cater every facet of the event to yourself. Here's how...
The most important part of any Super Bowl party is making sure you schedule it for during the game. So make sure you find out what time does the Super Bowl start? Luckily, our own Kyle Koster did the dirty work and found out that it starts at... well, I don't want to spoil it. All the pertinent Super Bowl information, including a podcast documenting his tireless search for the truth and the people who stood in his way.
Once you've listened to that podcast and figured out what time does the Super Bowl start then you can start thinking about the invitations. You know that episode of Seinfeld where George skimps on the invitations and Susan dies from the toxic glue? Well, feel free to embrace your inner George!
Super Bowl Party Invitations
No, don't kill a loved one with cheap glue. I meant go easy on the invites. You don't need to buy fancy invitations. You don't even need to set up a special Facebook page for your amazing Super Bowl party because anyone that wants to come is not actually invited.
Since this is a one-person Super Bowl party, you can just make the invitations by hand. (Oh, and don't get a one-person Super Bowl party confused with a one Parsons Super Bowl party which is what the guy from the Big Bang Theory should be hosting this year.) Write the time the game starts, what time people should show up, and mention if there is anything they should bring. Once you hand-deliver the invitation to yourself you can RSVP by text, phone call or thumbs-up in a mirror. Just be prompt so you know if you need to buy enough food for yourself.
How fancy is this shindig? Will you be wearing the same sweatpants you've worn every football Sunday since September? Or is it more of a weekday sweats situation? Maybe you should you go all-out? When was the last time you threw a theme party and everyone showed up dressed for the occasion? Football jerseys? Black tie? Nineteen-fifties murder mystery? The possibilities, like your boredom if you do any of these things, are limitless.
How about decorations? What kind of football-shaped paper plate budget are we working with here? You just got that $600 check so I'd start there. You can buy a lot of green napkins with hashmarks on them with $600. And think of the foil balloons. It should look like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in your living room on Sunday. If you stand up, you shouldn't be able to see across the room. See if your local party store delivers because, honestly, driving all those balloons across town sounds like a real pain in the ass. Let the gig economy sort it out!
Super Bowl Food
Once you've counted the RSVPs and nail down the aesthetic, you can start planning "the spread." Make sure there is enough food for everyone. Consult your physician to find out if any of the guests have dietary restrictions. Then start planning the menu. What do you like to eat? Do you have a favorite snack or chip? Are you still sticking with those New Year's resolutions? If the answer is yes, ask yourself: why am I lying? At this point you may need to head back to the mirror for some literal and figurative self-reflection. Once you've got that sorted, back to the menu!
You're going to need all the staples. We put together a helpful list of Super Bowl snacks, but that's just the starter. Is this an all-day affair? Should you roast a pig? How are we feeling about brunch while watching old Pro Bowls on YouTube? What's the shrimp situation look like in your fridge? What ever happened to that sourdough bread you made back in April that you didn't eat? If you can find it, should you fill it with dip or get a new one? Yeah, let's get a new one.
It's important to have a variety of beverages. Especially since you're getting up early to light that pig on fire or however you smoke a pig. (Oh, yeah, remember to Google "how to smoke a pig." Also, "where to buy a whole pig" and "how to humanely kill a pig and prepare the body for an epic Super Bowl feast" after a hilarious mix-up when you call Four Seasons Livestock instead of Four Seasons Butcher. And most importantly, do not forget to buy a new blanket.) So what goes great with pizza and a whole pig that you did not end up killing and is kind of your pet?
Well, you can buy your favorite beer. You can stock the fridge with your favorite soda. You can have mimosas during breakfast and brunch. If you're feeling classy, you could use a site like Wine Access that pairs wines with your Super Bowl food. Whether you're drinking four bottles of wine, a case of beer or who knows what else, you only have to look out for yourself. Isn't it great that you don't have to buy something you don't like just because the friend you secretly always hated, but really miss right now, won't be there? With that in mind, make sure to get something for the pig to eat and drink.
Super Bowl Keg Party?
Woah. Let's slow down there for just a second. While buying a keg is awesome, you have to watch all the food, plus your new pet pig who probably heard you ask Siri to Google "how to kill a pig." Do not turn your back on the pig.
Drinking games are a fun way to get a party started. Unfortunately, this whole pig thing has really backed you into a corner and the game is about to start. You know what? This whole fake pig thing has just gone off the rails and I feel like the tips for the one Parsons - ah, dammit. See? I've already forgotten what kind of part this is. Let's just start over.
Super Bowl Party Tips
Find out what time does Super Bowl start? Don't invite anyone. Get your favorite food. Get your favorite drinks. NO PIGS!
Ok, I think we're back on track. Let's try this again.
Sure! As long as it's done responsibly! Will I write the post explaining this drinking game in time for publication? I guess we'll find out together!
Super Bowl Prop Bets
Is gambling legal in your state? Well, then do it! And the best part is, the same number of people who would care about your bets at a normal Super Bowl party will be in attendance at this party. Best of luck to you!
It's also fun to do Super Bowl squares. So get a large piece of posterboard and draw 100 squares and then sell them at the party. Since you're the only one there, you'll have to buy them all or it will be pretty lame, but also fitting because the person running the squares pool always ends up buying a bunch of squares right before the game starts anyway so this will feel exactly the same.
Buy a New TV?
Hell yeah. Buy a new TV. The Super Bowl is the Black Friday of February, minus the sales. If you get a bigger TV, you can see the game better. You're just going to need to pop some balloons. Unlike every other year, where you are fighting for a good seat, you can just take the best seat. Or more the best seat closer to your current television, which might mean you don't need to buy a new TV. You know what? Just buy a new TV. We need to stimulate the economy. You have any of that $600 left over?
You've got a ton of food and drinks and you're all alone and apparently there is a nice new television somewhere behind those balloons and there is no pig to care for so just enjoy. You've got this. Zoom somebody if you really want to. Just remember, by this time next year we should be back at Super Bowl parties. Yeah, Tom Brady will be there too, but hey, it's better than nothing.
